Don’t Wait to Have it All TogetherIn Blog, encouragement, perspective 11 comments
She stood in front of me with dark chocolate eyes, speaking into mine.
Your message, she said. It moved me. I want to serve God. But I just don’t know if He can use me. You have no idea how damaged I am.
She was right about the last of it: of her damage, I did not know. But my finger found her cheek, catching one of the dozen falling tears on it’s way down to her chin. I knew this woman, even though I didn’t.
Because, you see, despite how many things we ever get to do for God, there is always a place inside that feels like we don’t deserve to do more. And in that undeserving space, the mind wonders if another opportunity will ever come.
It’s a widely held belief: that in order to serve God we must first have our life together.
We won’t always say this out loud. We may, in fact, deny it’s viability if asked. Instead we will say things like I am messy, and that’s ok and I am far from perfect…we will be open about our mess and honest about our struggle, but only to a point and on our terms because that, too, is in our control.
Because in our honesty and our service to God sometimes we long to do even that, perfectly.
And so we sit like an elderly with afghan over lap and watch the sun rise and fall for days, waiting for that perfect serving God day to come. And it doesn’t.
And when it doesn’t we swear that life has proven our point, once again – that we are not worthy, not good enough to do wild things that matter for God, for He has not chosen us. We have successfully stifled our own productivity and silently lamented that He has found someone else far more usable.
But what if we decided, even today, that we would stop making this about us, stop trying to control the way we serve God, not let another day brighten and fade before we start moving?
What if we rested in the raw truth about ourselves without needing to dress it up or come out of it perfect: the broken and needing a Healer part?
What if we said prayers like: God, I’m probably not the best you’ve got but I’m maybe one of the most willing and would you just compensate for the rest?
For the heart that truly wants to serve God, will — even the one that doesn’t always feel worthy.
Because the truth is, we need our damage to remind us of His perfection.
Something we, ourselves, will never know until we no longer live down here.
*Conversation: Be honest: do you sometimes feel like others are more worthy of serving God than you? How can this mindset change?
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