The Most Destructive Thing Women Say

*Continuing our Wednesday February series on Women…

FullSizeRenderSitting in our pre-marital counselor’s office, he tells my husband-to-be and myself something that has, for 20 years, stuck with me.

Be careful with definitive language. Phrases like you always or you never are not only likely untrue but also, destructive. We use strong language too often and it alters our thinking.

And so, before I title this post I think about its definitive words. And most destructive I write on purpose and with weighted pen.

But I truly believe, that when it comes to other women, it is 100% true – that it is, in fact, the most destructive.

I don’t really like women.

I’ve heard it said a lot. Older women, hair gray with wisdom and years…young women, eager to live the life in front of them….and those in between, like myself, who find themselves in both spaces.

And I remember that sometimes the things we see in ourselves that offend us are taken out on the person standing close…and we women are notorious for self-protecting by disassociation.

It’s easier to say we don’t like women than to sort through the muck of why that is because it effectively stops most conversation.

And let’s be honest: in the past, some friendships have gone way south. And trust has been broken. And the pangs of jealousy have been allowed to grow into ugly words and actions that cost way more than we wanted to pay. And all of it hurt, deeply, and made us want to run far, far away.


To say we don’t like women is to lose the joy of journeying with kindred. Oh, we rob ourselves of the joy of community and similarity when we separate ourselves from our own.

To say we don’t like women is to say we don’t like ourselves. Because we are a part of this group, like it or not, determined by genetics we did not control.

To say we don’t like women is to teach younger women to disown the very people meant to mentor them. And what could be more sad than to spend a lifetime running from those who could help you?

To say we don’t like women is to criticize the Creator. Because He thought women up. And He decided we would be one. And nothing He comes up with is flawed.

To say we don’t like women is to shoot into our own strong army of warriors meant to change the world. Locked arms and watched backs make for safety and strength; but turning on each other is the best way to implode the mission.

And so, what it’s going to take to turn this dialogue around are some women who see clearly how destructive it is for what God wants us, as women, to do…purpose to get over ourselves and our past with the help of God, asking Him to give us a new heart and mindset toward our sisters…lock arms and head off, together: determined to give grace where it is required, boundaries where needed, acceptance for the hard times, and love, yes love, always love, no matter how misguided, mishandled, hard, or tousled.

And our only definitive language towards our own then becomes this: I am always on your team.

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